"...Ain't not doin' nothin''."

"They ain't not doin' nothin'." --Mark Fields, NFL player for the Carolina Panthers. Please forgive me for not remembering what position he plays. I know forget when it was said as well. It was towards the very beginning of football season, when the Panthers played on Monday Night football. I'm sorry my details are, well, not very detailed.

This quote grates on every nerve of my being. One, I don't understand it, I guess it means they are doing nothing. What really bothers me about it, is this man is college educated. I'm sure he had scholarships thrown at him, and had a very easy ride. He probably majored in something like communications (DISCLAIMER: I am not in any way trying to degrade you communication majors out there. It's just communications is a quite common major for a football player for some reason) Anyway, he probably had an easier time than most, is my point. Meanwhile, very talented, intelligent, and less coordinated people were not able to attend because they could not afford college. And here is this college-educated man on national television, knowingly mic'd up for television, saying something so unbelievably unintelligent.

I have to admit, the more I dwell on it, (which I do from time to time. I know why. It's probably not healthy for me to, but hey, it's one of the dorky little quirks that makes me who I am.) I understand more and more the frustration this man must have felt when he said it. Today it popped in my head, and has become my motto for today. Not so much the words, but the frustrated emotion behind it.


Jess had an opthamologist appointment today. It went rather well, and the doctor was able to dilate, and examine her eyes more closely than he ever had before. Jess has Optic Nerve Hypoplasia, which basically means, for some reason her optic nerves did not form as they should have while I was carrying her. We found out when she was four months old. We became concerned that Jess' eyes seemed to "jump" around a lot. At that time we were told that she had approximately 10% of a normal nerve, and she would most likely be completely blind, and there was nothing that could be done. No surgeries, no glasses, nothing.

As the months passed it became quite apparent that Jess did in fact have some vision, and as a year passed we were told she was most likely legally blind, and it appeared that nothing other than her nerves had been effected.

Anyway, back to today at the doctor's office. He dilated her eyes and was able to really look into them, where he discovered that her retinas also seemed underdeveloped. Now, the retinas are an extension of her optic nerves, so this is logical. He said they appeared to have a "beaten metal" look to them which is most commonly seen with retina degeneration. Although, the most likely theory is that the retinas were never fully formed to start, this has everyone quite concerned. But again, there is nothing that can be done about it.

So, that's what I'm feeling today, frustration, and pain. I don't feel pain for Jess, because for Jess everything is as it's always been. It's all normal for her and she knows no different. I feel pain for wanting to do everything in my power to give her the best possible life I can, and frustrated that, for this I can do nothing.

I'm sorry for this lengthy and somewhat depressing post. I'm not looking for pity by any means. I just needed to vent. Thank you.